Karma

Over the past few months, I've truly come to believe "what comes around...goes around." My mother is genuinely disturbed with the thought. She suggested I speak to my counsoler when I told her I could not be angry with my "bad luck" simply because I have been getting what I deserved...paying my debt...I really like the idea of Karma. It allows me to believe all the people who have done me/others wrong will have to pay for what they have done. But I also must except that I must come to terms with all wrong I have done and the pain I have caused. Over the past few years, I fucked things/my life up quite considerably. But all I can do from this point on is do and be better. I have to stop feeling guilty about the things I've done... first of all because it has a crippling effect... but also because the only thing I can do is pick up and move forward...

I had a waking hallucination once... the first one I remember having. I was lieing in my bed. I hadn't sleep in days. My mother wouldn't let me get up until I slept. I saw a tree my father had given me because my mother wouldn't let him keep it downstairs transform into a "tree spirit". It transformed into a person, the branches covering her. She spoke to me. Not outloud because my mother upon entering the room could not see her or hear her speak. I heard her plain as day tell me that life was all about moving. I had to keep myself moving foward. No matter what I chose to do, I must keep moving foward or become content in stagnation. She told me if I chose "wrong" my mistakes would become clear to me later. They would become fixable. But to stay stagnate because I was confused at the direction I wished to take would only lead to death. This "tree spirit", this hallucination, spoke to me in anger. Threatening my existence if she ever felt compelled to speak to me again.

Two years later, my tree died. I never felt uncomfortable around her after` this hallucination. Her care, as far as watering her and keeping her exposed to sunlight, suffered. The plant genuinely unnerved me even though I recognized she had come to life because of my own lack of sleep. But I will never forget her words even if what she said was my own distressed psyche trying to be heard.